When it takes a village
The proverb “It takes a village to raise a child” expresses an underlying truth regardless of where you are situated in the world, your culture and your social economic status. This African proverb brings to light the community’s role in raising children. Families, particularly mothers, and their children are part of a larger group within the community, extended kinship and social structure. Every parent who loves his/ her child(ren) know that raising children who resonate one’s values and who go on to become well-adjusted adults who contribute to society is not easy. When one signs on to become a parent, one also, consciously or unconsciously, signs on to take on all of the crying, tantrums, school and extra-curricular activity runs, illnesses, no longer having a house where everything sits tidily in place, endless juggling of appointments and schedules, sleep deprivation, etc. Like it or not, all of these can, at some point, make even the calmest and well-adapted parent crack. As much as every single one of us would like to declare that we are super-humans, the fact is, we are human. And along with the virtue of being human, comes its own set of thresholds and limitations. Even before it becomes too much, we need to have the clarity of mind and wisdom to allow others in…others who can help with baby-sitting when you would just like to take that shower, others (such as teachers and mentors) who help to teach your child what he/ she needs to move forward and upwards in life, peers who provide friendship to your child and friendship groups which helps with identity and social development, and those who play a part in assisting with your child’s moral/ spiritual development.
In these modern decades we live in, the idea of the “village” has somewhat gone a tad quiet. Many parent(s) have found that they have lost this village, and they often struggle to manage on their own, particularly if they are also dealing with sleep deprivation, childcare and holding down employment. Parents are increasingly reporting feeling a sense of isolation and a lack of support. Why is this so?
Feeling isolated and unsupported as one attempts to manage the art and science of parenting might have come about from unrealistic personal and societal expectations. On one hand, we expect ourselves to be able to handle everything (“My parents did it, so I should be able to too”) and the idyllic picture of the perfect family with parents and children who are always happy and content that society has somehow begun to portray since the pre-world-war era. Social media reeks of the portrayals of perfect families leading picture-perfect lives with parents who seem to have no trouble at all juggling everything that life throws at them. No wonder we all begin to lose touch with reality sometimes. In addition, it is also common that today, parents meet from different states/ town/ countries, and the family unit they create is far removed from their extended families geographically. So gone is the help that grandparents, aunts and uncles can offer due to this geographical distance.
It is therefore important that parents own up to, acknowledge and accept the fact that parenting is no easy task. Parents need to find space within themselves where they can begin to have the conversation about constructing/ reconstructing this village which can help with raising their child(ren). This village can take different forms – support from the extended family (grandparents, relatives), support from the chosen family (friends, nannies, other parents), and support from within the family (e.g. older children). The wisdom to make concerted effort at reducing stress can also help, such as stepping away from work when one leaves the office, reducing the number of extra-curricular activities for both parent and child, and prioritising adequate sleep for the whole family.
Yes, it does take a village to raise a child. And it is perfectly OK to ask for and accept support when it is given and available. So what does your village look like?