Grandparents have so much to offer

Promoting and encouraging our children to connect and spend time with their grandparents is one of the most important things as parents that we can do.

Often it feels like the input we have as parents in our children’s lives is foremost and holds the greatest influence over their development and worldview and, of course, it is important- it should be. But children are generally born into existing extended families and should be encouraged to spend time there. The extended family members can provide a unique and influential role in our children’s lives, as well as be a practical and emotional support base for the parents.

The Positive Aspects of Grandparents

·         Grandparents often have more time, energy and patience than the working, sleep deprived, busy parent.

·         Grandparents are often full of lived family history. They are the all-important family story-tellers.

·         When there is chaos and disruption in the family home, grandparents can provide stability, security and a somewhat peaceful haven for a child.

·         Often grandparents are more financially secure and are able to pay for small entertainment treats otherwise not deemed possible.

·         Lived experience and a wisdom only gained from the rearing of their own children can be of great benefit to confused, overwhelmed parents.

Promoting a Good Grandparent- Grandchild Relationship

·         Encourage your child’s grandparents to be involved, right from pregnancy. Let them know you are keen for their input into your child’s life.

·         When, how and where your children connect with their grandparents depends on you. Be willing to assist and nurture the relationship by transporting and making arrangements for catch ups whenever possible.

·         Accept all reasonable offers of childminding and support. The more exposure children and grandparents have to each other, the more time there is to strengthen the bond.

·         Be optimistic about the benefits. If you believe both the children and the grandparents will benefit then you will be more likely to be supportive.

·         Get your partner to take an interest as well and share the arrangements and transport as necessary.

·         Encourage routines and traditions that only happen at grandma/pa’s house. These will remain lifelong memories for your child.

·         If distance is an issue, you may have to consider Skype, Facetime and all forms of digital communication to maintain contact. If your child is school age, they may be grandma/pa’s best teachers of digital technology. It could be a new mutually shared interest for them.

·         As your child gets older, longer stays such as overnight or full weekends might make the travel involved warranted.

·         Give it time. Good relationships can take years to grow. Raising a family is a marathon, not a sprint, so try not to force the connection.

·         Remember that individual personalities play a big role in how we connect with each other. You may find that one of your children just ‘clicks’ with a particular grandparent and there’s really no explanation as to why.

Things for Parents to Avoid

·         Don’t play favourites. Where possible, arrange equal time with both sets of grandparents.

·         Don’t expect grandparents to fund outings unless they offer to. Be mindful that income, health, time and motivation all play a part.

·         Don’t expect automatic offers of childminding from grandparents. They are entitled to make their own decisions about how they spend their time, so be aware of not asking too much, too often.

·         Avoid comparisons with different family members, in particular the other set of grandparents. Every family is unique. Comparing, whilst tempting, can be very hurtful.

·         Try not to be controlling over how you want grandparents to talk to, care for or relate to the children. Be prepared for some differences in care-giving styles.

·         Try not to examine and discuss every detail of grandparent care. As long as everyone is happy, just go with the flow. There may be some traditions in your partner’s family, for instance, which you will never understand. Just try to put them down to their uniqueness.

·         Don’t criticise grandparents when children are present.

·         Never encourage conflict, backstabbing or nastiness.

·         Don’t assume that just because you felt your parents weren’t very interested in you as a child that they will approach grandparenting the same way. I would like a dollar for every time I have heard parents exclaim “hmm ....... they didn’t do that with me when I was little”. Don’t forget that a different time, place, relationship status and/or financial situation provides different life context and can make the world look very different. Perhaps your parents might even view grand parenting as a second chance to ‘get it right’.

What can Grandparents do to encourage connection?

·         Invest time

·       Read, share the story of your family, go for walks, play games, listen carefully, garden, teach, cook, make photo books and laugh together

·         Remember you aren’t the parent. Be considerate and know when to say nothing.

·         Ask about their friends, their day, what their favourite.... is, what they want to be when they grow up.

·         Remember what you talked about last time and follow it up again next time.

·         Write letters and cards, post to each other.

·         Do projects and craft together- these might have a special place where they remain set up at your house and can be resumed next visit.

·         Have your grandchildren for sleepovers, if their keen.